


It Wasn't a Bad Kiss

by cherryicicles



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fights, Jealous Zach, M/M, Second Chapter tw mention of gun violence, Second Kiss, zalex deserved endgame
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:46:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24631015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryicicles/pseuds/cherryicicles
Summary: Alex can't sleep one night during the camping trip, so he goes for a walk and unexpectedly meets Zach on the beach to have a talk.
Relationships: Charlie St. George/Alex Standall, Zach Dempsey & Alex Standall, Zach Dempsey & Tony Padilla, Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall
Comments: 57
Kudos: 159





	1. It Wasn't a Bad Kiss

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! This is my first work that I've ever posted. I've been mourning the loss of Zalex so I just wanted to rewrite some scenes that could've happened to make them canon. Let me know if you want another chapter of this fic or something else entirely! Thanks for reading I hope you like it!

Alex turned over in his sleeping bag for the hundredth time that night. He pressed his pillow to the sides of his head, trying and failing to muffle the constant snoring. Deputy Standall lay next to him, flat on his back, mouth open, letting out long, nasally grunts as his nose let out a whistle every time he breathed in. Alex couldn’t take it anymore. He hadn’t gotten any sleep the night before because of his father’s incessant snoring, and there was no way he would survive the weekend if he continued sharing a tent with him. Frustrated and exhausted, he decided to take a walk to stop the headache that was pounding on his temples and the back of his eyes. He quietly slipped on his boots and jacket, unzipped the tent, and made his way into the silent darkness of the campground. 

With no real destination in mind, he started walking into the still forest. Eventually, he found himself on the ledge overlooking the water. Alex stopped, admiring the way the moonlight glinted off the calm waters. Lost in thought, he almost didn’t hear the smash of glass to his left. His eyes quickly drifted down to the beach, the one Zach had pulled Alex to after saving him earlier that day, to see his best friend smashing a bottle of bourbon on the rocks nearby. He grinned and let out a small chuckle.

“Hey,” he called out. “What did those rocks ever do to you?”

In the dim moonlight, he could make out Zach turning and smiling brightly. “What the fuck are you doing here, Standall? You follow me out here to kill me or something?”

“If I was going to kill you, Zach, do you think I would announce my presence to you?” Alex said, making his way down the ledge to the beach. 

“Yeah you’re right,” Zach responded. “But really, Alex, it’s the middle of the night, what are you doing walking around?”

Alex joined Zach on the beach, his face becoming clearer the closer he came to him. 

“Couldn’t sleep,” he said, eyeing the broken bottles and empty beer cans that littered the ground. “My dad won’t stop fucking snoring.”

“Charlie too,” Zach replied, sounding just as tired as Alex felt. “It was rattling my fucking brain. I love the guy, but I pray for anyone that has to live with him.”

“Looks like you’ve started a little party for yourself down here,” Alex said. “What’s up with the glass smashing though?”

Zach looked down, suddenly aware of the mess he had made around himself. He bent down and picked up another empty bottle of bourbon in one hand and a full can of beer in the other, holding out the beer to Alex. 

“Care to partake in the festivities?” he asked Alex. When Alex refused, Zach shrugged, popped the cap on the beer, and chugged the whole can in one go. Alex stared at him, impressed, but a little bit angry. 

It was hard seeing his friend go from a successful, star-studded student athlete, to this sad, lonely guy, wasting away on the beach, occupying the body that once housed the Zach he used to know. He still was Zach, but lately he just wasn’t the same. His self-deprecating and aggressive demeanor had made him hard to be around these last few months. It killed Alex to see him like this, and he wished he had tried to help him sooner, before he became the wreck that he sees standing in front of him now. Ever since Zach had basically nursed him back to health, dealing with all of his moody behavior that came with the recovery process, Alex began to feel guilty. Zach had devoted his life to Alex, helping him every step of the way. Zach would come running at Alex’s beck and call. Alex felt as though he owed something to Zach. But to show the same devotion to Zach might come off wrong, like Alex was being too clingy. He cared about Zach though, and he wanted him to know that he could count on him whenever he needed him. Yet, once Alex recovered and Bryce was murdered, Zach started to pull away. That was, in part, Alex’s fault, as he was spending more time with Tyler and Charlie, but he always made an effort to make sure Zach knew he was still there for him. Could Alex say the same now? Now, when his friend is wasting away in front of his eyes, begging to be seen or helped. Whenever Alex would think about the time they spent together, he would feel a twinge in his heart. He could never explain the feeling out loud, but it was likely what compelled him to kiss Zach that night on the roof. 

“Yo, Alex,” Zach called, waving his hands in front of Alex’s head dramatically. “You good? You seemed like you zoned out there, bro.”

Alex blinked a few times, realizing he had become lost in his own thoughts. “Yeah,” he answered slowly. “I guess I’m more tired than I thought I was.”

“Maybe a beer will help lull you to sleep,” Zach offered, dancing another can in front of Alex’s eyes. Alex sighs and takes the beer. He sips it, and spits it to his left side.

“Dude, this is warm as shit,” Alex complains as he wipes his mouth. Zach is laughing, smiling wide with his white teeth illuminated in the dark.

“You got to chug it or it tastes terrible,” Zach chuckles again. “Here, you don’t have to finish it.”

Zach is reaching his hand out when Alex throws back his head and downs the can in a couple gulps. His hand covers his mouth as he shakes his head, disgusted by the taste, trying to swallow the last bit that’s in his mouth. He looks up to see Zach looking at him proudly. He has the same look in his eyes as the night on the roof, but Alex can’t decide what it is. Maybe it’s just the alcohol.

There's a comfortable silence as they both just look at each other. Zach is the one to break it. 

“Can I ask you something?” he says, sitting down on a pile of rocks facing the water.

“Yeah, of course,” Alex answers, sitting down next to him. 

There’s a beat of silence before Zach takes in a quick breath and says, “Why did you kiss me that night?”

Alex is quiet, surprised by his friend’s honesty. Before Alex could answer, Zach adds, “We just never really talked about it, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I was just wondering, but if it makes you uncomfortable you don’t have to answer.”

“No!” Alex said, a little too forcefully. “I mean, no, it’s fine. If...if you really want me to be honest...I’ve kind of had a crush on you...for a while. I never said anything because we spent so much time together, and we became really good friends, and I didn’t want to ruin it. I felt really bad that I had those feelings for you, because it seemed like I was taking advantage of you everytime we hung out or you helped me with PT. And that night on the roof, I just felt like I needed to show you that I still cared about you, because I know we haven’t been spending that much time together lately and I’ve been feeling really guilty. I’m worried about you Zach, but I didn’t know what to do. That doesn’t really explain why I kissed you, but...I don’t know, how could I not like you, Zach. You’re sweet, and kind, and funny...and I feel safe around you. More than I’ve ever felt around anyone. You’re the first guy I’ve really thought about like that, and that should’ve scared me, but it didn’t. Because you’re like the perfect straight best friend to have a crush on.”

Zach laughed softly at that. He didn’t know what to say. Alex was way more honest than he thought he would be, and now he was more confused than before he asked Alex. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that he had been feeling ever since that night. How good it felt to be with Alex, how right it felt when Alex kissed him, how sad he was when Alex pulled away, and how angry he felt at himself when he told Alex he didn’t like guys. 

Alex became anxious then, uncomfortable by the silence and the lack of response from Zach. Alex cleared his throat and said, “Sorry, I kind of over-shared there, and didn’t really answer your question. Can we just forget about that awful kiss and move on?”

Zach turned to Alex and finally spoke up. “Hey, no, it wasn’t that bad. It was a good kiss...great actually.”

At that, Alex’s head snapped in Zach’s direction, eyes wide and suddenly angry. He huffed out an exasperated breath before he pushed himself off the rock and stomped off up the beach. 

Zach sprung up from his seat and started chasing after Alex. 

“What the fuck dude,” Zach called out, gently grabbing Alex’s arm. 

“Fuck off Zach.”

“Alex! Alex, stop! What did I do wrong?”

“Everything!” Alex screamed as he whipped around. “Fucking everything Zach! The reason I kissed you that night was because I thought you felt the same!”

Zach was stunned. “Alex, I-”

“No!” Alex yelled. “Shut the fuck up Dempsey. You can’t do that!”

“Do what?”

“Give me hope! Do you know how long I’ve wanted to kiss you? Or, how much I fucking hated myself for thinking about you in that way? When you rejected me it fucking crushed my heart, but I forced myself to move on. Winston might of been playing me, but he never pretended to fucking like me! You can’t say you don’t like guys one minute and then turn around and tell me that you liked kissing me. I know you try to make everyone happy all the time Zach, but it gets to a point where it’s just not fair. With me, Chloe, your mom, everyone. But, at the end of the day, Zach, you try so hard to please everyone else that you can’t even care for yourself! Fucking look at yourself, Zach. You’re eighteen and you already have a drinking problem and you’re ruining your fucking life and you don’t even care! Do you realize how that makes the rest of us feel, seeing you wasting away and you don’t even fucking care. What the fuck do you even care about Zac-”

Zach lunged forward and connected their lips, effectively shutting Alex up. He felt the rush of emotion shoot from where their mouths touched all the way through Zach’s body. It felt so right, and he could almost feel Alex begin to kiss back, when they were interrupted by the sound of Alex’s name being called out into the dark night. Unsure of how long they had been kissing, Alex stepped back, out of breath from the kiss and the angry speech he had hurled at Zach just before. 

“Alex!” Deputy Standall called out once again. “Alex? What are you doing down there. I woke up and you were gone. You scared me, bud.”

Alex maintained eye contact with Zach as he called to his dad, “Yeah, dad, I’m fine, I just needed some air.”

“Okay, well don’t be too long, I’m heading back to the camp ground, and I suggest you boys get back before Mrs. Jensen does her tent check.”

Alex and Zach continued to stare into each other’s tired eyes as the sounds of Deputy Standall’s footsteps faded into the night.

“What the fuck, Zach,” Alex said weakly, tears welling in his eyes, voice breaking. 

With that, he turned and disappeared into the woods, leaving Zach on the dimly lit beach, more lost than ever. 


	2. Blame It on the Alcohol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After their fight, Zach and Alex are on bad terms, but the lock-down brings some repressed feelings to the surface.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! A few of you wanted me to write another chapter, so I have provided. This one is Zach's POV, and there's a lot of angst so be prepared. Let me know if you like it and if you want another chapter!

Zach felt something jab into his side. He turned over and immediately winced in pain at the crick in his neck and the ache on his side and down his back. He opened his eyes slowly, the figure above him coming into view. 

“What the fuck, dude,” Clay said, extending a hand to Zach. “Did you sleep out here?”

Quickly, Zach realized where he was. The waves lapped the shore calmly in the sunlight, as Zach pushed himself up from the place on the ground he was just awoken from. And then he remembered the night before. Alex and him sitting next to each other talking one minute, and the next Alex was storming off, not before Zach had the grand idea to kiss him. 

“Fuck,” he breathed as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. He had a pounding headache, probably from the copious amounts of alcohol he consumed before and especially after Alex left. 

“Alex said you might be out here,” Clay said, observing the bottles and cans strewn around the beach.

“Alex…” Zach said groggily. “You talked to him? Did he say anything to you?”

“All he said was that he left you out here last night after you fought. He was worried that you might’ve fallen off a cliff or something because you were plastered. He seemed pretty pissed at you.”

Pissed was an understatement. The rest of the weekend Alex spent not so subtly ignoring Zach to the point where everyone at the campground knew something was up. Zach didn’t try to talk to him, even though it hurt that the only person he wanted to talk to was avidly avoiding him. The most he got out of him was the venomous looks that he would shoot at Zach when they made eye contact. Much different than the way they looked at each other on the beach that night. Nothing changed when they returned to school. Alex would turn the opposite way in the hall if he saw Zach coming, get his things and leave the library when Zach would enter, and ignored any greeting that Zach threw his way. It infuriated Zach, but he knew that it wasn’t his place to force Alex to forgive him. He had fucked up. He decided he was just going to wait until Alex was over it, however long that would take. Who knew that it would take a life or death situation for Alex to finally talk to Zach.

It was a normal Thursday. Zach was sitting with Tony in the library, chatting silently while sneaking glances at Alex and Charlie sitting a few tables over. 

“All I’m saying is that this whole thing is really immature on both parts,” Tony said. “You two are acting like children and we’re all tired of it. What the hell even happened on the trip that made him so mad at you?”

Zach considered just blowing off the question, like he did any time one of their friends asked about the tension between them. Instead, with a sudden burst of confidence, Zach decided to be honest with Tony.

“Okay I’m going to be excruciatingly honest with you right now,” Zach whispered in a low voice. “And I’m trusting that you will not tell a soul. And I mean anyone, Tony. Not Clay, not Caleb, not Tyler. No one.”

“Okay, okay. Get on with it,” Tony said excitedly, practically on the edge of his seat.

Zach took a deep breath. 

“A little while ago, Alex kissed me.”

Tony raised his eyebrows in surprise, but said nothing. Zach continued.

“I didn’t really know what to say to him, you know. I like Alex, but I didn’t really think about him like that before. It surprised me, and I was confused, so I told him that I didn’t like guys. It was all fine after that. But then we went on the camping trip, and one night Charlie was just snoring so loud and I couldn’t take it, so I went down to the water. I was thinking about Alex and the kiss a lot that day, because we went out on the boat and we talked about shit, and then he fell overboard and I had to save him. And when I pulled him onto the shore, he looked at me like the night he kissed me, and all these emotions just started rushing through me. I was just fucking around drinking on the beach, when Alex came down. It started off fine, and we were just talking, but I couldn’t get that night out of my head. So, I asked him why he kissed me. And at first he didn’t say anything, but then he admitted that he had a crush on me, and it made me feel all weird and shit. But it was good-weird, like I had with Hannah. And then I stupidly told him that I liked the kiss and he got pissed and started to run off. And then he started yelling at me, and I just wanted him to shut the fuck up so I...I kissed him.”

Tony sat back, taking in what Zach said. “So, what...do you like him too?”

“I...I don’t know really. I love having Alex as a friend, but it scares the shit out of me to admit to myself that I like...guys. A guy.”

“You’re fucking with his feelings, Dempsey,” Tony scolded. “I know how hard it is to admit shit like that, but you either have to tell him straight up or leave him alone to figure his shit out.”

Zach nodded. He glanced over at Charlie and Alex. Charlie was sitting next to Alex, smiling tenderly as Alex read something out loud to him. Zach felt a pang in his chest. He ignored it, turning back to Tony.

“Do you think anything is going on between them?” Zach asked. “They’ve been spending a lot of time together lately.”

“It’s not your fucking problem, Dempsey,” Tony said. “I don’t mean to be harsh, but if Alex has moved on, now is not the time to dump all your shit on him.”

Just then, an announcement was made over the loudspeaker. An active shooter. Zach immediately locked eyes with Alex from across the room. Alex stared back, frightened. The students sprung into action, barricading the door and hiding under the tables. Earlier in the period, Tony had noticed Tyler in the computer room, which was now vacant. Tony worriedly waved over Charlie and Alex to join him and Zach in the side room. 

“Do you think…” Charlie trailed off as Tony started rummaging through Tyler’s things he had left by the computer.

While Charlie and Tony were busy looking through Tyler’s bag, Alex sat down awkwardly next to Zach. Zach drew in a breath. 

“Hey,” he whispered. “Can we end this fight? This whole thing was my fault, and I’m sorry, and I was stupid. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was drunk, and you were saying a lot of true shit, and-”

“No, I’m sorry,” Alex interrupted. “I overreacted, and I was too scared to apologize and say I was wrong-”

“But you weren’t wrong,” Zach said quietly. “I needed to hear it. And I’m sorry for...you know...it wasn’t right for me to play with your emotions like that. Can we just blame the whole night on drunk Zach? Can you just be pissed at him and stop ignoring sober Zach?”

Alex laughed, even though his eyes conveyed utter sadness. “Are you really sober right now? I can smell the vodka on you.”

Zach let out a chuckle. “Yeah, sober Zach hasn’t been around for a while. But anyways, this is me, regular Zach, sober or not, saying I’m sorry for my dumbass behavior and I would like my best friend back.”

Alex smiled. “You’re forgiven.”

“Okay now that the bromance has been rekindled, can you help us with this more pressing matter at hand?” Tony joked. 

Zach and Alex both blushed, turning their attention back to Tony and Charlie, with Tyler’s things scattered on the floor in front of them. They discussed their worry that Tyler may have regressed and was the cause of the lock-down. Tony presented some papers Tyler had printed out of gun listings. 

“Shit,” Alex breathed. 

“Shit is right,” Tony agreed. “As much as I don’t want this to be true, I have to show this to someone. If we can stop Tyler from hurting himself or others, I think we should try.” 

“Do you really think he would do this, though?” Alex questioned. “He’s been doing so good lately, I thought he was over that.”

Tony shrugged, “I don’t want to believe it just as much as you, but we have to think about what will happen if we’re wrong.”

After several minutes of deliberation and arguments from Alex, they decided that Tony should tell the Dean. Just as Tony left the room to hand over the papers, three gunshots sounded from the hallway. Alex and Charlie climbed under the desks, as Zach scrambled to duck under the ones across the room. Moments later, Alex began breathing quickly, eyes wide. Zach began to cross the distance of the room to help calm Alex, but then he heard Charlie order Alex to grab his hands. Zach remained where he was, watching Charlie talk quietly to Alex as he gently caressed the top of his hands. He looked away, unable to hide the jealousy written all over his face. He stayed that way, curled under the desk, fearing for his life, wanting more than anything to have Alex next to him. He pushes the thoughts of Alex away, remembering what Tony said. Zach had to learn to forget about Alex, or at least distract himself from the ache in his heart that seeing Alex with Charlie caused. 

What seemed like hours later, it was finally announced that the lock-down was just a drill, and the students were to return to their classes. Zach stood, eyeing Charlie and Alex as they talked closely. Suddenly, Charlie leaned forward and kissed Alex. Zach cheeks heated up, and he averted his gaze. He looked back a moment later to see Charlie pull away, just for Alex to kiss him once again. His heart dropped. Zach couldn’t take it. He left the room quickly, busted the doors open to the library and stormed out. Students were milling in the halls, the air buzzing with hushed conversations. Down the hall, Zach could see Clay gesturing dramatically and speaking loudly. Just as he turned to head the opposite way, he collided with Alex. 

“Woah Zach, what’s the rush,” Alex laughed. 

“Sorry,” Zach said, tiredly. He could really use a drink right now. 

“Um, hey,” Alex started, nervously. “Back there, with Charlie, I’m sorry that happened right in front of you. That was probably really weird.”

“No worries,” Zach said, trying to hide his jealousy. “I’m happy for you. If Charlie makes you happy, that’s good for me. You deserve to be happy, Alex.”

Alex nodded, managing a small smile. Zach smiled back, but he was unable to hide the sadness in his eyes. 

“Well...see you later,” Zach said, desperate to get himself far away from his best friend, who was currently ripping his heart out. 

As he slid past Alex on the way toward the doors, Alex stopped him.

“Zach,” Alex called, waiting for him to turn around. He paused. “You deserve to be happy, too.” 

All Zach could do was nod curtly and turn to push the door open, trying and failing to hide the single tear that fell from his eye. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I keep ending these with one of them crying, but I hope you liked it!


	3. Zach and Alex Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the events of the lockdown, Zach starts to spiral.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi again. this chapter literally took me so long to write, and i kind of hate it. it's basically just zach being sad, but this is just a set up for the next chapter which i'm planning will have more zach and alex romance. i didn't really plan for there to be more than one chapter of this, and it probably would work better as one shots but i hope you enjoy anyways.

Zach was depressed. Actually, he probably passed that point many drunken nights ago, spent crying on the roof of his house. He was just in pain now. It felt like a punch to the gut every time he saw Charlie and Alex walking down the hallway, holding hands, happy. Tears would sting his eyes, threatening to fall down his cheeks as he watched them giggle together in the library. They were so in love, and Zach was so heartbroken that he pretty much stopped caring for himself altogether. The once cleanly shaven, energetic, well put together Zach was gone, replaced by the sad, tired, sack of bones that walked around with the face of Zachary Shan-Yung Dempsey. His day-drinking was out of control, and during class he was either slumped in his chair, half asleep, or slurring his words, secretly taking another sip from the flask in his jacket pocket. If Alex noticed anything, he didn’t say it. Zach would catch him staring at him from across the room sometimes, sad eyes boring into Zach’s soul. In response, Zach would tip his head and smile widely, trying and failing to keep up the facade that he was ‘okay’. Zach and Alex weren’t on bad terms again, but the sudden addition of Charlie into Alex’s daily life made it hard for him to find time for Zach. Zach hadn’t realized how much he relied on Alex. Without Alex around, Zach was falling apart, and it scared him. He quickly realized that Alex was one of the only people who truly cared about him, and he didn’t know what to do now that he had all but disappeared from his life. 

“Okay, what the fuck is wrong with you,” Alex scolded.

It was halfway through lunch on a friday, and Zach was sitting alone in the cafeteria, sipping from his water bottle filled with vodka. This was the first time Alex had spoken to Zach in weeks, and his sudden presence and acknowledgement of Zach’s existence was jarring to say the least. 

“Wow, what a greeting,” Zach said, already a little tipsy. “Not a hi, how are you Zach? It’s been a while? I know we haven’t hung out in a long time, and I’ve barely talked to you, but you’re doing good, right?”

“Cut it out, Zach,” Alex snapped. “I was giving you your space to figure your shit out in the beginning, but now I see that you have completely gone off the rails. You’re drunk at school all the time, you sleep the whole time in class, and you scare off anyone that tries to talk to you. You’re my best friend, and I can’t sit here and let you fuck your life up.”

“Ha,” Zach laughed sarcastically. “Since when do you give a fuck, Standall? You claim to be my best friend, yet you haven’t spoken to me once until now. Why don’t you go fuck off with Charlie somewhere and leave me alone.”

Alex scoffed, “Oh, is that what this is about? Me and Charlie? I’m so fucking tired of this game Zach, honestly-”

“It’s not like that, Jesus,” Zach interrupted, suddenly regretful. “I’m sorry man, I just...I miss you. I miss hanging out with you, you know. Zach and Alex time. I...I need you. I mean, fucking obviously, I’m a wreak without you around.”

Alex softened. He opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it. Instead, he reached over the cafeteria table and placed a reassuring hand on Zach’s forearm. 

“I’m a dick,” Alex said. “I’ve noticed the way you’ve been these last few weeks, but I didn’t say anything. I felt you pushing away, but I didn’t do anything...and I should’ve. I’m sorry, Zach. I’ve been a shitty friend to you. You stuck by my side throughout my entire recovery, and you never complained, and I should be that kind of friend to you, too.”

‘Friend’. The word made his stomach twist in a knot. He pushed away the feeling, trying to focus on Alex in front of him. He smiled weakly at the boy across from him. Even just being around him, talking to him, made Zach feel better than he had in weeks. 

“Do you want to have some Zach and Alex time later?” Zach asked hopefully.

“Charlie wanted me to watch his football practice…” Alex began, and Zach’s face started to drop. “But I’ll tell him I have something more important to do. Those practices are boring anyways.”

Zach grinned widely. They made plans to hang at Alex’s after school and play video games, something Zach had been missing for a while now. Time alone with Alex. It had been all he thought about for weeks, among other things. More specifically, he had been dreaming of it. Every night, the time in Alex’s room when Zach taught him how to dance would play in his head. It would always end with Zach leaning in to kiss Alex, only for his mother to burst into the room and begin scolding him, her voice deafeningly loud, until Zach was startled awake by Bryce Walker tackling his lower leg. Not only was Bryce haunting his dreams, but him and Zach’s mother were tainting one of the best memories Zach had with Alex. 

Things started to go back to normal for Zach. He had stopped drinking, was paying attention in class, and was hanging out with Alex like old times. Well, not exactly like old times, since Charlie would insist on tagging along whenever they made plans. Sometimes, Zach swore that Alex looked just as annoyed as Zach felt when Charlie would invite himself to another hang out. Zach and Alex decided to start meeting in secret, without the looming presence of Charlie. 

“He’s so annoying sometimes,” Alex confessed, sitting on the floor of Zach’s room, controller in hand. “After I got out of my coma, my parents and my brother started fawning over me, like I was a baby. It got old really fast, but I just put up with it because I knew they were trying to help me. He reminds me a lot of them after it happened, and sometimes I feel like he just feels bad for me, and that’s why he’s with me. He treats me like I’m fragile, and that if he isn’t with me all the time, I’ll fall over a cliff or something.”

Alex sighed then. Zach didn’t know what to say. Was it okay for him to trash talk his best friend’s boyfriend when he was still harboring a crush for said best friend? Zach decided to go the middle route.

“Some people are like that, you know. Really touchy-feely.” He really didn’t want to say clingy, but that’s exactly what he was thinking. “You shouldn’t hold it against him. Charlie’s a really great guy, and he just wants to make you happy.”

“Ugh,” Alex responded. “But does he have to smother me all the time? Can I not have my space? The fact that we have to sneak around to just hang out without him lurking around warrants me to be a little irritated.”

Zach swallowed thickly at that. He knew the real reason Charlie was always around when Zach was there. He knew Zach's feelings for Alex, even if Alex didn’t. He was trying to protect Alex. But Zach would never interfere with their relationship in any way, no matter how heartbroken he was. He valued Alex’s happiness more than his own. 

Zach was feeling a lot better once he and Alex started hanging out again. He had even gotten used to Charlie being around all the time, but Zach was really growing tired of the volume of cookies that Charlie would force on Zach each week. Whenever Charlie would give him another bag, he would smile and thank him, but the second he was gone he would pawn them off to Tony or Clay. Charlie was starting to really annoy Alex at that point, but Alex still stayed with him no matter how many times he would roll his eyes at him. Zach knew that Alex loved him. Maybe not love, but he knew he had a connection with Charlie that would be difficult for him to break. Alex believed Charlie was the first boy to love him back, but Zach knew this wasn’t true because he loved him. He had loved him at his best and at his worst, and no matter how much they would try to push each other away, they always found their way back to each other. Zach wished he could tell Alex how much he meant to him, in a non-platonic way, but he knew it wasn’t the time because he was happy with Charlie. If being around Alex was the best he could do, he would take it. So Zach decided that he would swallow his pride and ask Alex if he could tag along with Alex and Charlie for prom. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is all over the place, and i'm kind of shitting on charlie in this but it is a zalex fic. but like no hate to charlie as a person but i just don't like him with alex for obvious reasons. there is a severe lack of dialogue and it's annoying me. i don't like the ending but i promise that next chapter will be zalex at prom so look forward to that and forget about this shitty chapter.


	4. Can I Call You Tonight?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Zach talk about Alex's relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter took soooooo long mainly because i started hating it halfway through but i already wrote so much so i didn't want to start over. i know i said that this chapter was going to be the prom, but apparently i felt the need to add this chapter. also i can't believe how many hits and kudos this got! thank you so much and hope you enjoy!

Alex sat at the dinner table, staring at his plate, moving the peas back and forth with his fork. His brother was sitting across from him, enthusiastically engaged in a conversation about football with Charlie, who sat next to him. His mother and father sat at either end of the table, chiming in once in a while, and laughing occasionally. Alex was so in his head and spaced out that he barely heard his mother calling out his name and four sets of eyes looking at him.

“Huh?” Alex asked absentmindedly, not looking up from his plate. 

“You haven’t touched your food, honey,” Mrs. Standall remarked. “Are you feeling alright?”

Charlie placed a hand on Alex’s forearms, and Alex sprung up from the table. He cleared his throat.

“Excuse me,” he said quickly. “I’ll be right back. I just need some air.”

Alex exited the dining room, fully aware of the concerned looks he was getting. He grabbed his jacket and put on his shoes. He needed to get away from this house, those eyes. Alex stepped out into the chilly night, and inhaled. He realized that it was the first time that night that he truly felt like he could breathe properly. His mind was racing, but he knew he needed to clear his head now or he wouldn’t be able to survive the rest of dinner. Alex set out down the street, no real destination in mind. His mindless walking led him to the park. Alex smiled to himself, heading towards the swings. He sat down, a feeling of comfort passing over him. Subconsciously, he started to think about Zach. How the way he felt at that moment was how he felt whenever Zach was around. Safe. He felt a warm sensation spread through his chest, and he wished Zach was there with him on the swings. Zach was the only person who understood Alex in a way that his family, his other friend, and even Charlie never could. They shared the massive secret of Bryce’s murder, sure, but their connection went beyond that. They trusted, supported, and cared for each other in a way that Alex couldn’t put into words. 

Alex had been feeling so alone lately, despite the attention that Charlie gave him constantly. The initial feeling of Charlie caring about him, someone caring about him, had worn off. He felt guilty that he resented Charlie so much just for simply loving him, but deep down he knew he was unhappy. He saw the way that Charlie looked at him, like he was the center of his universe, but he just could not find a way to feel the same. Alex didn’t know what to do. He knew he was unhappy, but he also knew how much his family liked Charlie, and liked Charlie for him. He couldn’t bring himself to break so many hearts in order to heal his own. What he hated the most was that he couldn’t stop thinking about Zach. He felt guilty for thinking about someone other than his boyfriend, but he also felt guilty for how his own relationship had distracted him from what was clearly a cry for help from his best friend.

Just then, Alex’s phone rang. He pulled it from his pocket and laughed to himself when he looked at the screen. 

“Hey, I was just thinking about you,” Alex answered.

“Uh, wha...you were?” Zach stuttered, caught off guard by Alex’s honesty. 

“Yeah, I don’t know, I’m just sitting on the swings at the park and you just popped into my head.”

That was an understatement, but not a lie. Zach did pop into Alex’s head a while ago, he just never left.

“What the fuck are you doing at the park, Standall?” Zach chuckled from the other end of the phone.

“I just needed some air,” Alex confessed. He sighed. “Charlie’s over for dinner right now, and it was going great, but it just felt like...I don’t know...like I wasn’t there or something, you know? It felt like when I was in the hospital, and my parents would talk about me like I couldn’t hear them. And it feels like Charlie has become like them, like he’s started to pity me too.”

Zach was silent for a moment before responding.

“Don’t say that, Alex, you know your parents love you,” Zach paused. “Charlie does too.”

Alex rolled his eyes and started to swing.

“It just gets so exhausting being around them. I know they don’t mean to, but they treat me like I can’t fucking care for myself. And sometimes I think they’re right! I’m sorry that I always bother you with this, Zach. All I do is fucking complain to you about this but I never fucking do anything because I’m too much of a pussy.”

“You’re not a pussy, Alex,” Zach interrupted. “You just care too much about people to hurt their feelings, but sometimes you make yourself suffer in order to please others. And this year has been pretty shitty anyways, so I don’t blame you for feeling like this.”

Alex was furiously swinging now, gaining height, pumping his legs.. 

“I don’t know what to do, Zach,” Alex choked out. “What the fuck is wrong with me? Charlie is such a nice guy. Why can’t I love him? Why is it so hard for me to appreciate what I have? He’s literally the perfect boyfriend, but I don’t want that. Being with him makes me feel like I have to be just like him, and I can’t. I have too much baggage. He’ll never understand how fucked up I am. He never knew Hannah, or how the tapes affected me, all of us. He will never understand what happened with Bryce, and I know he judges me for it. And I know he tries so hard to help me with my TBI, but--”

“Alex,” Zach blurted into the phone. “Calm down. I’m going to be really brutally honest with you right now, man. You need to sort out your feelings. You need to stop feeling guilty when someone cares about you. Charlie wants to be with you. Isn’t that enough?”

“It just feels...fake. Like he’s trying to be who he thinks I want him to be,” Alex laughed then. “Weirdly...it feels like he’s trying to be like you.”

Zach was quiet for a moment on the other end. He broke the brief silence, trying to lighten the mood. “How flattering, I have fans. Does Charlie want an autograph?”

Alex tried to hide his laugh. “Shut up Dempsey.”

Zach cleared his throat. “Well, there was something I wanted to ask you...it’s a bit awkward...but it would be more awkward if I didn’t ask you…”

Alex swallowed in anticipation. Lately he realized that he became nervous around Zach. He would get sweaty palms and he could feel his cheeks heat up when Zach would smile at him. He recalled that this was a similar feeling he would get early in his relationship with Winston. He felt a little guilty and kind of embarrassed about how flustered he would get around Zach, even just speaking on the phone with him. Zach was his best friend. They had known each other for such a long time, gone through so much together, and they were connected in a way he never could be with his other friends, Winston, or even Charlie. The guilt that Alex knew he still acted like he had a silly crush on Zach, whilst dating Charlie, was a weight he couldn’t bear. He didn’t know why he thought that Zach was going to make some confession to Alex, admitting his feelings, asking him to break up with Charlie. He held his breath for Zach to continue. 

“Do you,” Zach paused. “Do you mind if I tag along with you and Charlie for prom?”

Alex did not expect Zach to ask that. It was such a tame question, yet Zach was so hesitant and nervous to ask.  _ Why? _ Alex thought. Maybe it was just an excuse to be near Alex. His heart sped up at the thought. 

“Um, yeah,” Alex responded, trying to keep his voice even. Why was the prospect of his boyfriend and his best friend being in the same car as him making him so nervous? He pretended he didn’t know the answer, but he knew that he would rather not admit it to himself. His mind was racing, but in a split second, he made a decision he wasn’t sure would pan out. But why not try.

“Okay, great.”

“Zach?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I’m going to break up with Charlie.”

Zach was silent on the other end. Alex didn’t know why he said that. Was he really going to break up with Charlie just for the possibility of Zach reciprocating his feelings? Charlie was safe, and Alex was sure that Charlie was in love with him, even if Alex wasn’t. Was he willing to tough it out with Charlie just to see if he could learn to love him too, or was he willing to risk it for Zach?

“Oh,” Zach broke the silence.

Alex laughed awkwardly, not knowing what to say, or what he had just done. “This is going to be weird, because he’s still at my house having dinner with my parents.”

“Well…” Zach started. “You gotta do what you gotta do for your own happiness. And hey, Charlie’s a nice guy, I bet he’ll understand. At some point at least.”

“Thanks, Zach.”

“For what?”

“For being a great guy. You’ve helped me to figure a lot of shit out lately.”

“Do me a favor and don’t tell Charlie that I was the one who told you to break up with him or something. He may look non-threatening, but he could beat a bitch up.”

Alex chuckled. “I won’t. It’s not your fault anyways. You just helped me realize what I want. I’ll talk to you later I guess.”

“Okay. Good luck.”

“Thanks. Bye Dempsey.”

“Bye Standall.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, the next chapter will ACTUALLY be prom. I PROMISE. originally, i was going to have zach go to prom with alex and charlie, but it didn't feel right for what i was going to write, so i had to make alex be single for the prom. it would've been weird to work around the fact that alex and charlie were dating and them also winning prom kings and then add the zalex moments i wanted to add. next chapter might be the last one, but who knows bc i literally dont have any plan for any of these and i just sit down and start randomly writing whatever from the top of my head. anyways, i hope you liked it despite my rambling and shitty writing!!


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